This morning my son was speaking roughly to me, so I told him to speak nicely. His response was “tell Dad to talk nicely to me, and I will talk nicely. I have learned from him how to talk. He told me to shut my mouth yesterday. Then he told me to shut up.” This has been a constant battle for me. And I am losing it, in both senses. My husband does not speak nicely to me or the kids. He raises his voice. He is never pleasant. When I talk to him about this he denies it, or if he agrees with me he says that’s just the way he is and I have to accept it.. Well, I do not find it acceptable, I do not want my kids to end up like him. What can I do?
Dear Beth,
I totally can relate and sympathize with you. Parenting is such a wonderful, yet, complicated, huge responsibility. Parents, like you, that take it with due seriousness are to be commended. Couples that can stay together and work it out to the best of their ability to co-parent responsibly seem to be rare, yet deserve an even bigger pat on the back.
My husband and I both came from very severely dysfunctional households, with both of us vowing to do better. Now, he is to be commended, for he does take part in counseling. However, he just will not accept that ADHD causes some children to not learn from past mistakes, to keep pushing the envelope, if you will. He says, "no, he just has my genes. I can remember exactly doing the things he is doing, the belligerence, the fits...) He then still thinks that he can yell, scream, shame, and spank our son into submission. NO! I just got off of the phone with our family counselor and she is coming over today to try to start some one on one discussion/counseling with my husband. He honestly does not realize that he is repeating the cycle of abuse. I have had to tell him that he needs a time-out just as much if not moreso than our 10 year old! And my little one, now almost 9 years old, is terrified of him at times. He begs me to be the one who studies with him, as my husband gets so angry when he doesn't remember something just taught. I had to tell my husband, STOP! You are creating the block in his brain at this point. He is so scared of disappointing you and making you angry that his little brain cannot even remember how to spell his own name let alone the spelling words!
We are increasing the counseling and the counselor has vowed to "get through" to my husband the error of his ways.
Have you tried any counselling? It has been tremendous for us in more ways than 1. You might also suggest marriage and one on one counseling for your husband, especially if this behavior is threatening your marriage. That is why I had to do it. NO, I do NOT want my children to have to go through divorce, two different homes, step-parents, weekend visits, court battles, etc, but neither do I want them verbally abused, continuing the cycle of abuse when they have their own children. It is a tough call. Exhaust all possibilities before divorce. And if your husband is willing, well, then you are blessed with a REAL man and a good man.
