I smacked my stepson and now his real father makes trouble for us
by Daniell
(England)
I smacked my stepson on the bottom when he was young, i know i shouldnt have and its done nothing but cause problems ever since. Several years have passed and he is naughty all the time, his mother is very much against any strong dicipline against him ( including taking things away from him that he loves for anything more than a few hours) he talks to us with no respect or fear of any reapocutions, also we both know that when he,s at his real dads at a weekend his dad is telling him im a " nasty man". I think he is very confussed and we love him very much( him and his little brother want for nothing), i have never smacked him before or since that time, he is putting a huge strain on our relationship and i am having to take time away from the house to take some time away from him. Does any one have any advice on this because im worried sick about it.
Comments for
I smacked my stepson and now his real father makes trouble for us
The response from whomever on the 29th is way off base. To discipline a child, biological or otherwise in your household, it is YOUR responsibility. (If it were only the "biological" fathers job, the court would have awarded primary custody to the father or not awarded a divorce to begin with in support of the child well being). Checking a child's behavior is a 24/7 job. A "part-time" father who is not there for the day-in and day-out issues should not be telling you how it should be done. Advising together would be ideal but to take yourself out of any equation of the boys life is preposterous. YOU are the primary man this boy sees EVERYDAY. How you act on an everyday basis is how this child will compare all male authority figures in the future. If you are not allowed to hand down a punishment for bad behavior (by the boys mom or absent dad), he will learn to manipulate ALL authority figures in the future. I'm guessing there might be issues at school also. You have heard the term; "It all starts at the home"? YOU are at the home. You are the everyday male roll model and are expected to act as such. This is the responsibility you accepted when deciding to "date" the mother. You didn't just decide to "date" her but the family involved. There is no separation of woman/mom when a welfare of a child is involved. A father figure isn't a pick and choose job. It is all or nothing. If you are not going to allowed to hand down discipline/ punishment when a child is misbehaving while also being able to reward and love when the child is good, then it is time to re-evaluate your relationship with the mother. Either she loves and respects you as a man (to include you being another "father" to the boy in everything he does, bad or good. ) or you are just another male boy toy for her and that she wants to spoil herself and her "kid". YOU decided on being the responsible one. If she will not allow you to be, best go on your way. You have the right instincts in child raising, there are plenty of kids out there who needs a good father. You are one. It might be time to go where you will be needed and FULLY appreciated. LOVING a child a LOT different that raising a child. Love just isn't enough in today's world. He's is the "vacation fun" dad and will always will be. You are the everyday dad and will always be. Fun isn't always right. Be right. Good luck to you.
Mar 11, 2012
Is he forgetting something by: June
Is Anonymous perhaps forgetting that the stepson is not lving with the bio father. If living with the stepfather, who made a mistake to smack the boy, but admits to being sorry, is so terrible. Why then does the kid not do the right thing and live with his father-this boy is no longer a 5 year old but 14. It is quite obvious why the bio father, loves to criticise the stepfather, because he married his former wife but he does not wish to have the son in his home, but uses the boy as a tool to create mischief. It appears as if Anonymous feels that Daniel had no right to marry the boy's mother, for no other reason then that he is the boy's mother. With all respect due-if any is due, Anonymous is incapable of logical reasoning.
Mar 05, 2012
It is strange by: Mermy
If Anonymous really means what he says, then Daniel-the stepfather of the boy-should have never married. From the point of view of Anonymous, at best the father is an intruder. It means also that he means-if Anonymoys means anything at all-that it is always wrong to marry someone who has children from a previous marriage. And if a person is married then the step children can do as they please, in fact they have every right to wreck the marriage. Also,no matter how scheming or nasty the children are, Anonymous reckons they should be unconditionally loved, by the stepfather. This is an interesting viewpoint, but probably hardly helpful to Daniel at this stage.
Mar 05, 2012
Miss the point by: Bebe
I think Anonymous missed the point of Belamby's advice. Because Daniel, the boy's stepfather states (referring to the boy) he is very confussed and we love him very much. Anonymous also failoed to grasp that the stepfaher also, makes the point that he should not have smacked the stepson. And lastly Anonymous amazingly feels that the boy has every right to be an intrusion between husband and wife (if language and reason make any sense Anonymous reasons that it would be better if this man (the stepfather would not have married the wife involved). With such reasoning-or rather lack of it-no argument no matter how brilliant would ever convince Anonymous of his faulty thinking.
Feb 29, 2012
just who is "misbehaving"??? by: Anonymous
First of all, don't underestimate the reactions of a biological father. I think the biological father is right to be angry about the spanking. If my son's stepfather had spanked my child, I'd be extremely angry. I think you should leave the disciplining up to the biological parents...it's not your place. You shouldn't be laying a hand on that child. Let them deal with it.
Secondly, it sounds like you feel the child is taking away from your ability to enjoy your own pleasure in this relationship you've chosen. If you feel he is putting a "huge strain" on your relationship, don't you think he senses that and is going to feel hurt that you think he is "a problem" and interfering in your own pleasure with his Mom?
This child has enough problems from his parents' divorce; if he senses you resent his "intrusion" into your pleasure, don't be surprised if he continues to get angry. Wouldn't you, if you were he??? Think about it. I mean, you chose to get involved with a woman who had a child. Nobody forced you.
Always keep in mind that you are NOT the biological father, and that therefore, you are not viewing this situation in the same manner as he is. There's no comparison. You will never have the same bond with this child that the father has, particularly if you think all this child needs is material things.
If you think he "wants for nothing", the way he acts when you are around should tell you otherwise. You are forgetting the most important "want" he has is unconditional love. If he senses you are incapable of giving it to him, no amount of toys, etc. are ever going to make up for the deficit.
Unconditional love is not something you can fake, either. If you can't change the way you feel towards this child, maybe you should reexamine whether the relationship is the right one for you.
Feb 01, 2012
It is difficult by: Belamby
Daniel, you give such little detail that it is difficult to give logical advice.
Anyway, a smack on the bottom is under normal situations fine; with a cantankerous bio Dad nothing will ever be right.
Not having the mother on side in the discipline department is bad and you have to lay your cards on the table. It is your life doesn’t ruin it by appeasing a mother and son. If nothing else works then perhaps there is no option but to leave-or have them leave. So have to make up your mind to have an ultimatum or to stick it out regardless.
//////////////////////////// If you stick it out, you have 3 positives in your favour (perhaps more):
1) Time changes all things 2) You have shown love to the boy in question and his sibling 3) No matter what, be the boss in your household-be assertive and do what you consider right-even if your wife disagrees
Try to look at the situation positively without beating yourself up. Also, remember with children you are there more for them then they are there for you. When he matures he will realise that you have been a real Dad to him. So stick it out and be cheerful. One thing though, act as if the real father does not exist and shrug off all negative comments from the bio father. As well, don't remind the boy what you have done for him all the time-what you have done, speaks loudly. As well, if he tells you that he wants to leave, let him, without begging him to reconsider-he'll change his mind. All the very best
