How to help pre-schooler deal with abandonment by mom
I am acquainted with a young family with a three-year-old daughter. The mom surprised everyone by announcing she is unhappy in her marriage, has found another man through an online relationship, and is leaving in two days. She is not only leaving a husband, but a child as well. She took her daughter to the park and told her that she was leaving and didn't know if and when she would see her again. The family is devastated and are looking for ways to help this little girl understand what is happening to her. How do they deal with the inevitable questions? This whole situation is unthinkable and it is hard to understand how a mother could leave her own child in this way, and seem so cold about it all. Any advice would be appreciated so I can try to help this family. Sincerely, C.D.
Comments for
How to help pre-schooler deal with abandonment by mom
Although focused on the thoughts, feelings and adjustment of the three-year-old, bear in mind that the father will be equally adjusting as well. Further, given the apparent impulsivity of the mother, there remains a likelihood that she will come to regret her decision and seek to rescind it.
The husband would be well advised to consider supportive counselling for himself to deal with the rug being pulled from beneath him, his upset, anger, bewilderment and then likely anxiety and depression. Having someone professional for him to turn to will take away any pressure to commiserate with his young child and thus avoid the risk of projecting or burdening the child with his issues.
As for the child, given the age, there is no way for this child to comprehend the change cognitively. The child will simply experience a significant loss and will likely present as being lost him or herself. Further, one may expect to see upset, trouble eating and sleeping and toileting disturbances during the period of the child’s adjustment. Father and supportive family members must be gentle, yet firm with respect to reasonable behavioural expectations, such that the loss doesn’t equal permission for misbehaviour that in turn can take on a life of it’s own, unchecked. It is OK for the child to be upset, but unacceptable behaviour is just that. Teach the child to express his or herself with words, drawings or puppets or action figures.
Although discussion with the child may not prove fruitful, play with puppets that go through the scenario and describe the feeling of the child may help in the child’s adjustment. Such play should also have a future orientation, such that the puppet is shown to adjust happily with the remaining parent over time.
In the event the mother seeks to return, the risk is that the child will be subject to that parent coming in and out of their life. This is tantamount to teasing, a form of emotional abuse. The stability of the mother must be ascertained and she must be apprised of the need for her consistency and permanency in the life of the child, should she return.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW (905) 628-4847 gary@yoursocialworker.com http://www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.
