How to help my 14 yr old step-son adjust to custodial parent changes ?
My 14 yr old step-son is moving in with us, his mother has allowed things to spiral out of control. He is a good kid, no outrageous behavior. He is very content and happy when at our house during summer break and weekly visitation, but I want him to realize that this is his home and want him to feel totally comfortable. We have two younger children, so parenting a teen full-time is new to me.
Comments for
How to help my 14 yr old step-son adjust to custodial parent changes ?
Rory may have a success story in handling a stepson and welcoming him into the family,but Steve's handling of stepsons is no less impressive! Having never married before then suddenly having 3 step-children is enough to throw a giant. So you have my respect. You are lucky to have a wife who realises that you are the new Dad in the lives of the children-and that this involves also meeting out chastisment for wrong doings. On the surface of things one would think that it would distance the boys involved (more like who this stranger telling us what to do?). In reality they live under your roof and eat your bread and spent your money (on pocket money, education etc.). I am somewhat curious what the spanking of Steve involves-but may never learn. Best of luck anyway!
Feb 26, 2012
I try by: Steve
We all work hard at making step children we inherit by marriage at home with us happy. Rory has a success story. This is not the case with many of us. I inherited 3 children from my wife, who was a widow when I married her. One is a girl 15 and the other ones are 2 boys 11 and 13. I had never been married before and to this day I find it difficult to have children close to their mum but forever distant with me. My wife and self have and are really working hard to make them (the kids)a happy home, but it is difficult. I'm forever the outsider. Things have improved since my wife insisted that I take on the discipline of the boys. Actually she does not even want to be there when they get a talking too ,but she insists that consequences of bad behaviour e.g. lying and dishonesty be carried out. This can mean loss of privileges or even a spanking. This has meant that the boys reluctantly have developed some respect for me. My wife never wants to be present when a spanking is given. I'm just hoping that this will result in a better and more appreciative relationship in the long run. I can not say that I love these children-but some things about the children I have learned to love as they are pretty good kids in the main. Also I can honestly say that they have given meaning to my life-and I try learning to love them also for the sake of my wife, whom I dearly love.
Nov 16, 2011
It's just great! by: Rory
I married later in life to a lady who had a son of 13. This boy stayed with his father for nearly 6 months after we married, but paid his mum and therefore me, vistis about once a month. He was a quiet bit shy but friendly and responsive boy . Just before 14 his father had little time for him and he politely asked if he could stay with us. I felt a bit on edge I was over 40 and never had had any children,let alone the responsibility of a teen boy under my tiled roof. But the wife and I both agreed smiling (I smiled because I did not want to appear unhospitable)but did not put my heart in it. Over the many years, Lars has been a fabulous boy and son. I love him like a natural son. And he loves me like crazy. We are such a happy three-some. At times when Lars stepped out of bounds-a stern lecture and some deprivings and curfews straightened things out. Lars is now dating a girl ( he's 17) and we encourage him, because he is our dear son! He alsays cals me Dad or my best friend. So to the person in the forum who wanted help full advice I would say: You'll love it. You made a bright start already,by wanting him to feel at home in your house and family. But be aware of a couple of things: A boy needs his privacy, his room and his space must never be invaded.He must have his own private world, friends,secrets even (I'm not talking about criminal or underhand dealings). My wife and self agreed on strict privacy for him and us in the bathroom, this may seem a minor thing but for a teen boy this means everything; because we showed mutual and deep respect for each other. An interesting thing happened when he was 14 and suffered a broken arm. He asked me to help him shower, I said let your mum help.He said no you're my Dad, this is a guy thing, man I'm not ashamed of my Dad.........
Nov 06, 2011
Working together for a great outcome by: Hamus
It is so heartening to see a stepfather being so kind to lovingly welcome a step boy of 14 into the household. I'm just a little puzzled about your remarking that 'his mother allowed things to spiral out-of-control.' This is your wife you're talking about is it not? From that remark it appears as if there is a problem in this forth coming relationship already. A problem which needs straightening out. You see, it seems as if your wife and you are not working together too well-or did I get this wrong? At any rate, there is no doubt that you and your spouse must your act together, because otherwise don't venture into this new relationship. Also, you need to discuss matters such as discipline with his bio father and your wife the kid’s mother; otherwise innocent dealings with the boy may lead to bitterness later. From my experience the bio father will say something like’ deal with him like you would with your kids if discipline is needed.’ This sets the scene as far as discipline is concerned for a straight talk with the boy. So, at a relaxed moment but before he moves in, have a father son talk to set the boundaries of behaviour. Be aware, that he really wants to know where he stands if he breaks the household rules. Ask him if he has problems with being treated like your own kids, if he misbehaves. He will appreciate your straight-forwardness. Ask him what he correction he expects for poor behaviour, and then put your thoughts forward frankly. Maybe you believe in bare butt discipline-maybe this is something he hates. Together, you can work around these issues, with good grace and some compromise- all in love. Remember working with an adolescent teen step boy has many difficulties-but if all parties work harmoniously, the reward is great. He sounds a fine lad and you will probably with the right approach have a great future together. Boys at that age are so fabulous. Just this: allow him privacy, he needs his own space. Slowly with trust he will accept you more and more. But with love and care, the day will be on the horizon, when you all will love one-and-other like father-son-and mother and husband and wife.
Oct 26, 2011
Just love him by: ben
Being a stepdad can be so rewarding-but it is also challenging and at times baffling,as you carefully mold/hold and treaure him. I inherited 2 stepsons 11 and 14 , they complemented my bio son of 10. Years later, through many difficulties and sometimes tears from all, we have become a loving strong family. Do I care for my stepsons, you bet, is there any reward so good as 3 boys calling me their best dad and friend? With your stepboy, who sounds a fine kid, I know you will have a great time. Boys that are so fabulous!
