How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?
by Keri
(New York )
Ok here's my situation: my boyfriend & I are both about to be married, this will be a second marriage for both of us. My marriage didnt have children but his has a child, who was almost 6 months when they split and when his ex moved out of state with their daughter, (knowing he didnt know he could stop her, but thats not the issue at hand here, so let me stay on track). At any rate their daughter is 2&1/2 years old and we've been together since she's 1 year old. We were very careful in the beginning not to throw me in her face... in fact, the first time I met her on one of her first visits here, we did it in a very kid friendly environment (amusement park) and I only spent a few hours with her twice during her trip, we also werent living together then. Since then he has moved into my house with me and she has come to visit us three times for two weeks at a time. Those were the greatest times!! Really they were and I am not saying it just b/c I am in a forum! So now that I gave you a background, let me tell you what I do with her or try to do with her to make her feel comfortable and make this her home as well as the one with her mother. I know nothing is ever like it is with mom, but I am trying to find a happy medium here, I feel as though no matter what I do I will fail! I have three spare rooms in my home. SO when my boyfriend moved in I automatically just made one of them strictly for his daughter! I painted murals on the walls, got new dressers, books, crafts, toys etc. So this is HER room and HERS only. When she is here I make sure we have "family" time, she has "daddy" time (without me) and she has "me" time (without daddy), we take walks, draw, dance or whatever she chooses! My family (my mom and dad) have accepted her as their granddaughter (as they should) and my brother and sister the same as a niece... I really try to do as much a possible, and sometimes maybe I do overkill but I am trying my hardest! Her and I have GREAT times together and what I think is the beginning of a GREAT Step mom/step daughter relationship, we got to the pool, the lakes, the oceans, to the park, the zoo etc... I try to make it fun and educational & something she will remember us for when she goes back home to her mother since we are only allowed to see her every few months (per her mother,when she feels like)I call or text her mother when she is here to let her know how she is doing with her potty training, how she is sleeping, how she is feeling etc. So now I have been around for a while, my step daughter has been around me more than once for longer periods of time. But something has changed this time. When we took her back, about two hours later my boyfriend gets a call from his ex asking how she was around me, when he said we had a great time and got along perfectly, she stated that her daughter told her daddy and me were "too close" and seems very jealous of me. To me this doesnt sound like something a two year old would just come out and say, it sounds like her mom asked her if i was too close to her daddy? I could be wrong but does a two year old even know what a jealous feeling is? Now when we dropped her off, she hugged and kissed me good bye, I KNOW all you mothers are probably thinking you'd be a little upset or hurt by that too and PLEASE believe me I understand that, but dont you think she would be happy that her daughter and I get along and we have a good relationship like that?? (let me also tell you that I am not nor was I the reason for their split, we didnt know each other then) So let me clarify the "too close". I, like my boyfriend are VERY affectionate people, not just with each other but with our families, do we make out or have long passionate kisses in front of her, absolutely not! Do I hug and kiss him when i come in from work and before I go to bed yes, as I do to her when she is here! My parents have been married for 42 years and to this day they hold hands and sit with their arms around each other on the couch, they are affectionate as well and that is how I was brought up to be. Anyway, my take on this is that, yes my step daughter CAN be jealous, but it seems to me that her mother is more jealous that I am still around and that her ex is happy and has moved on to a steady relationship when she has not yet found that. I feel like she is putting these thoughts into her head and there is nothing I can do or say to defend myself, only my boyfriend can and does! SO I guess the questions after all this ramble is there any way for me to address this properly? Am I doing the right things here? Should I address the ex wife at all?
PLEASE HELP! Any advice you can give me would be most appreciated! Thank you for reading my long winded story
Comments for
How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?
Stay out of everything! The little girl shoe be your priorty! by: Staey
STAY FAR AWAY FRIM TALKING TO HIS EX! I have the same situatuion only my husbands son is 10. His ex is making everything messy! (the divorce) The ex has his son trained to not like me. Believe me before his son and I used to have a great time! Since she has a lawyer and we dont, she gets the upper hand in EVERYTHING. It's actually come to the point of me not wanting to see him )his son) anymore b/c he lied not once but twice and called children and youth and said I was a bad mother. The inspectors laughed it off and said our house is fine and we sre great parents. The custody araingment states the parents swith every other major holiday... Well '08 X-mas he was with his mom, and of course '09 X-mas he is with his mom again. My husband and I are both ready to throw in the towel. Sinse he is spemding more time with his mother he has become nastier and nastier to the both of us. I wish it could be like old time, but until he is old enough to understand the situation... it wont be. My husband's ex said HE was the reason hurting his child when honestly its been his ex the whole time.
Hope this helped!
Nov 17, 2009
consistent by: Anonymous
Well, it is sad but true. Your answers on this forum, while very sad, are definitely consistent. I sure hope that if my husband and I ever get divorce that I do not turn into the type of person these other women are! They are obviously very nasty, ugly, vile creatures, using their daughters as pawns in a game even when it is hurting their own child. I absolutely HATE any parent who does not put their child's well being first. How is it going by the way?
Nov 16, 2009
Somethings you truly cannot change.. by: Anonymous
My compliments to you and the Dad for putting forth your best efforts for a little girl and not for yourselves. BUT on that note, you cannot fight her mom no matter how good you or Dad are or how evil/nasty she is (I speak from experience here).
Children have a profound attachment to their mothers no matter how bad these moms are; this is what we are as humans. The situation with the child seems lovely, but be careful that your heart is not broken when she changes her minds due to manipulation from the mom. Again children try to please there moms more than they would want to please their fathers.
I am glad I try my best and even now still give my best; but I now know as a step-mom, I will never be allowed to be apart of my step-kids family unit for as long as their mother is a live, because she will not have it.
AND if you think it's bad now, it gets worse when the grandkids come. Be proud of yourself and make a separate live with your better half and enjoy each other.
Oct 15, 2009
Oops by: Terri
Sorry, I guess that I got busy and forgot to finish my comment to you. My wind however is gone. All that I can say to you is to be careful. My stepdaughter always loved us and eventually wanted our home to be her main home. After 10,000.00 and much conniving by the Mom, we were granted joint legal and physical custody. However, once a teenager, her mother's unstructured, wild ways and being allowed to do whatever she pleased gain control of my once sweet, angelic, little girl. After many months of her acting strange, changing so much, turning into a "goth" girl, we searched her room for drugs and found her diary instead, in which she vascillated between her Christian walk and a very disturbed, violent fantasies stranger. She wrote that she would like to turn the garbage disposal on with my hand in it. Called her father her "dripping penis" of a father for not allowing to her date/have boyfriends, referred to her two little brothers, Mine and her dad's boys together, as horrible things that she "Fu*!*ng couldn't stand." Now, Mom has gained custody back. You could have knocked my husband over with a feather when both the judge and her attorney berated him for "invading her privacy" and his old fashioned sense, asking him what exactly was "his problem" with her dating before 16????? I am heartbroken, disillusioned, and bitter now. I hope and pray for you that your angel doesn't turn into what ours did.
Oct 14, 2009
Becoming a stepmom by: mike@ahamoment.com
This is a really interesting post. Not an angle that you see written about often, nice work.
Reading this made me think of Kathleen who sent us her story about becoming a stepmom. She talks about her initial uncertainty, and then with her husband?s help learning to follow her heart and now absolutely LOVING being a stepmom.
Below is a link to her video. I hope you like it as much as I do. Take care.
http://www.ahamoment.com/vote/kathleen
Aug 02, 2009
Keep up the great work! by: Terri
Hi Keri. You sound like you are truly making the effort to form a family for this child and that you are truly doing it for her and NOT for her father. That is the first and most important thing. At first when reading your story I began to wonder who you were doing it for, but it is actually very obvious that you love her for her own sake, as well as for her father's. Next, I noticed that "Dad" genuinely cares for his daughter's feelings by realizing that even though she is small, it was important to go slow at first. She must always know that her feelings will be respected and that above all else she is safe and loved by Daddy and now by you as well. Very impressive. One thing to be careful of - not becoming the "Disneland Family" home. Of course you want to make the little time that you have with her special, but be sure to make sure she still must observe rules, regulations, and manners, etc. That can be something that is hard on the parent that has the full time job of discipline, although it sounds like Mom is creating this issue as well with the limited time she allows her daughter to be with her Dad. Still, this way no one could ever accuse you or Dad of "spoiling" in order to make Mom appear the "bad guy." You and your fiancee have your roles in this little angels life nailed, I must say and I admire you. Now for the hard part. I come from 12 1/2 years of experience here. I am not perfect but if any of my long winded advice might help, than it is wind well blown, if you catch my drift? :-) Mine and my husbands situation was very similar to yours, only I knew my girl since she was born. I was friends with her mother, but was NOT, and I repeat NOT the reason for the break up. Mom decided to run around, do drugs, keep the daughter's whereabouts from Dad etc. As her friend, I tried to help her, told her what she was doing was wrong and that the Dad had a right to know where his daughter was and to see her (They were never married, so no official divorce paperwork was possible to let the poor man establish his rights, and she used this to her advantage whenever possible!) Her erratic behavior was actually what caused the end of our friendship and as I had always been friends of both her and the Dad, well, Dad and I got closer and fell in love. We were married and "our girl" was our flower girl and since we kinda did the whole thing a bit backwards, our 18 month old son was our ring bearer! It was beautiful.
Then, for awhile the mom got her life together and eventually, she and I talked. She was indeed very grateful that her daughter was genuinely loved, taken care of, and adored for her own sake. Mom was grateful that she did not have to worry whether or not her daughter was being treated badly by a step monster that was jealous of her and did not want her as part of the new life situation. However...
