How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?

Ok here’s my situation: my boyfriend & I are both about to be married, this will be a second marriage for both of us. My marriage didnt have children but his has a child, who was almost 6 months when they split and when his ex moved out of state with their daughter, (knowing he didnt know he could stop her, but thats not the issue at hand here, so let me stay on track).

At any rate their daughter is 2&1/2 years old and we’ve been together since she’s 1 year old. We were very careful in the beginning not to throw me in her face… in fact, the first time I met her on one of her first visits here, we did it in a very kid friendly environment (amusement park) and I only spent a few hours with her twice during her trip, we also werent living together then. Since then he has moved into my house with me and she has come to visit us three times for two weeks at a time. Those were the greatest times!! Really they were and I am not saying it just b/c I am in a forum!.

So now that I gave you a background, let me tell you what I do with her or try to do with her to make her feel comfortable and make this her home as well as the one with her mother. I know nothing is ever like it is with mom, but I am trying to find a happy medium here, I feel as though no matter what I do I will fail!.

I have three spare rooms in my home. SO when my boyfriend moved in I automatically just made one of them strictly for his daughter! I painted murals on the walls, got new dressers, books, crafts, toys etc. So this is HER room and HERS only. When she is here I make sure we have “family” time, she has “daddy” time (without me) and she has “me” time (without daddy), we take walks, draw, dance or whatever she chooses! My family (my mom and dad) have accepted her as their granddaughter (as they should) and my brother and sister the same as a niece…


I really try to do as much a possible, and sometimes maybe I do overkill but I am trying my hardest! Her and I have GREAT times together and what I think is the beginning of a GREAT Step mom/step daughter relationship, we got to the pool, the lakes, the oceans, to the park, the zoo etc… I try to make it fun and educational & something she will remember us for when she goes back home to her mother since we are only allowed to see her every few months (per her mother,when she feels like)I call or text her mother when she is here to let her know how she is doing with her potty training, how she is sleeping, how she is feeling etc.

So now I have been around for a while, my step daughter has been around me more than once for longer periods of time. But something has changed this time. When we took her back, about two hours later my boyfriend gets a call from his ex asking how she was around me, when he said we had a great time and got along perfectly, she stated that her daughter told her daddy and me were “too close” and seems very jealous of me.

To me this doesnt sound like something a two year old would just come out and say, it sounds like her mom asked her if i was too close to her daddy? I could be wrong but does a two year old even know what a jealous feeling is? Now when we dropped her off, she hugged and kissed me good bye, I KNOW all you mothers are probably thinking you’d be a little upset or hurt by that too and PLEASE believe me I understand that, but dont you think she would be happy that her daughter and I get along and we have a good relationship like that??

(let me also tell you that I am not nor was I the reason for their split, we didnt know each other then)

So let me clarify the “too close”. I, like my boyfriend are VERY affectionate people, not just with each other but with our families, do we make out or have long passionate kisses in front of her, absolutely not! Do I hug and kiss him when i come in from work and before I go to bed yes, as I do to her when she is here! My parents have been married for 42 years and to this day they hold hands and sit with their arms around each other on the couch, they are affectionate as well and that is how I was brought up to be.

Anyway, my take on this is that, yes my step daughter CAN be jealous, but it seems to me that her mother is more jealous that I am still around and that her ex is happy and has moved on to a steady relationship when she has not yet found that. I feel like she is putting these thoughts into her head and there is nothing I can do or say to defend myself, only my boyfriend can and does!

SO I guess the questions after all this ramble is there any way for me to address this properly? Am I doing the right things here? Should I address the ex wife at all?

PLEASE HELP! Any advice you can give me would be most appreciated! Thank you for reading my long winded story!.

Comments for
How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?

Dec 12, 2012 RE: RUN
by: Anonymous

What is it we should be running from? Our husbands, step children? I thought we were suppose to stand by them (well as long as you mentally can).

Do you say that as a bio mom or a step mom trying to cope? We would all like to know…


Dec 11, 2012 RUN
by: Anonymous

RUN…NOW WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!


Oct 22, 2012 The dads side.
by: Garreth

Hi all,

I’ve sat and read your entire set of comments. So i decided to explain about me.

Firstly i am the Father and i met my new partner and step mum to my beautiful 3 1/2 yr girl when she was only 2yrs. Unfortunately me and my “Angels” mum separated after she was found to be having affairs whilst i was at work. To make things worse, the affairs were with a friend.

Anyway we separated when my daughter was 1 and due to some neglect issues on her part I was lucky enough to win custody of my daughter via the court system. But Mummy has regular visits with our daughter as of February this year.

Right so i met new partner 1 yr later and have been together living since last September. At first my daughter and new step mother got along like a house on fire. But then after the visitation was ordered via the courts, my angel changed. Now she won’t even acknowledge my partner (the step mom). she blanks her, ignores her and refuses to even look at her or be in the same room. After months of potty training and mostly dry, she’s now wetting again. I can only presume that as the behavior started after the first 3 weeks summer that she spent with her bio mum, that this is linked to the recent behavior change.

I’m trying to console my partner as she feels that shes done something wrong or “cant do anything right” but i find that nothing seems to work. The doctors and health visitors just say my daughter is jealous and we should ignore it. But i really don’t think that approach is working either. I can’t stop her seeing her mum as i don’t believe that is right, and also its part of the divorce and custody agreement. (i forgot to mention, the custody happened when my ex wife tried to run away with our daughter and moved up north during one of her visitations).

I never talk about bio mum infront of my daughter, other than to say nice optimistic things like “mummy’s taking you to the zoo next week”, “mummys taking you camping with nan and grandad”.

My partner has a 5yr old son of whom my daughter loves and plays with all the time, they both go to the same school (him school, her pre-school) and although never encouraged or discouraged, my daughter started copying my step son and calling my partner mummy about 6 months after we started living together. When she does acknowledge my partner, she still refers to her as mummy (if that helps to build the picture).

But i thought you would like to hear that as a farther with full custody, i’m also having the same problems and again aimed at my partner even though we are the full time parents, and my daughter only see’s her mum every 6 weeks and only for 4days plus half the summer hols, alternating Christmas. (although only on Christmas no 1 this year)


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Apr 25, 2012 Part two of my post! 
by: Anonymous

At the moment I would try to keep things low key. You can still all have nice times as a family, but bear in mind she will see it as competition and someone trying to ‘out-do’ her. You could maybe focus on helping with educational things – stories, learning to write and do numbers and educational games and toys, for a while – and quiet home life, and less exciting outings and so on. Until the dust settles a bit.

Also – best if you don’t communicate with her directly – this might wind her up even more (to her you are the ‘other woman’ in her child’s life) – let your partner do it – and tactfully suggest to your partner how to word things! (Men can really put their foot in it sometimes!).

At the first sign of any major blow up or her making outrageous accusations, book an appointment for mediation and get things thrashed out there. Also watch out for her Mother saying negative things about you and the child repeating them to you. Just let them go over your head and carry on being yourself – the child knows you well enough and will soon slip into her usual relationship with you as you have had plenty of time to bond. But if the Mother starts saying really negative things to the child about you on a regular basis, your partner will need to deal with this and explain to the Mother that this could be harmful to the child’s mental well-being – and/or go to mediation and get this sorted. It might come to this, but things can be a lot better afterwards – it helps everyone see each others points of view and it helps everyone see how to put the child’s interests first.

I now have problems with my own Partner’s jealousy as well! The little boy now automatically sees me as the female figure in our couple, like his Mum with his stepdad, and my Partner, who did everything for him for the first year of his life – is now feeling upset by that – I try to back off a bit, but we women are such natural nurturers!


Apr 25, 2012 How to handle things
by: Anonymous

Hi. I was in a similar situation (I am in the Uk) and I think the age of the child is part of all this. Because – she is starting to talk! You have done nothing wrong. You have a nice, normal family relationship with your partner and step-daughter. However, now she is talking, it is aggravating her Mother hearing about you. She will be feeling jealous and insecure (the Mother!) about her child – and their biggest fear is usually that the child will become more attached to you than to her – or want to come and live with you and your partner, and leave her.

This is a stage, and it needs to be handled gradually, and there may be a crisis point. Communication is now a big issue as the child is learning to talk more and more. Both with the child and between your partner and his ex. I suggest your partner, on occasion (maybe at pick up or drop off time) reassures his ex that everything is fine, she has nothing to worry about, that the important thing is that the child is happy wherever she is. That she will always be the child’s Mum and that you are no threat to her.

Of course she might not believe that. But what a two and a half year-old says is hardly reliableand I don’t think she would have the capacity to express such a grown-up attitude anyway (or even the concept of people being too close). However, Mothers do worry. She is maybe imagining all sorts from a few little words from this toddler – like – did they have sex when she was in sight/hearing, or something.

So – continue with reassurance from your partner – everything is fine – don’t worry – any issues can be sorted out. Never discuss the child’s Mother in front of her or say anything negative about her. But do mention ‘Mummy’ sometimes in a positive way. Like – Mummy is taking you to so and so next week (if you know what she is planning). Or you and Mummy are going on holiday next week, or how does Mummy like you to do this?

This kind of thing will get back too and you will be seen as less of a threat.

We also used to make a point of remembering the Mother’s birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas and so on by sending a nice card from the child – to Mummy from your little girl or something. Wins them over!

I don’t know if her Mother is still single or not, but this makes a big difference. Ours was a complete nightmare, threatening to stop access all the time (and actually doing it once) – she absolutely hated the idea of us being a family with ‘her’ child. We just hoped she would meet someone and settle down – which she did and things are a lot better now. She is with a good guy who has kids of his own and talks sense into her!


Apr 16, 2012 Reply to being a stepmom of 2 yr old
by: Anonymous

Hi.. Sounds like you need to talk to your boyfriend. Also are you guys getting married any time soon? I’m a mother of 3 and a wife… Stepmom too( another story.. Lol) I also work with children. The 2 year old did not come up with the word jealous. Now a 2 yr old may show signs of being jealous but does not know what that means. Im 36 yrs old and I have a stepmom. Growing up her and my mother were not really cool, but my mom never once told us not to like her. So to this day we are all good. The parent who has the child plays a huge role in how the child will act around the step parent. It’s very important to be on the same pg with your spouse-boyfriend. If the mother is saying that already trouble may come. Do not let her mess up the relationship you guys have. He needs to make sure she is put into place. Also he my want to get visitations through the court system. Just keep showing the little one love. She will remember the love. Now when you guys get married… You, him along with he ex may need to sit down and talk. At the same time, you guys live together so remember you need to be giving respect.


Feb 09, 2012 step mom of four
by: Anonymous

I am a step mother to four children. I am 24 and never been married before. I have never been around kids and I am afraid that my step children would have an “evil step mother” image of me, so I try my best to be good around them. The oldest one is daddy’s little girl and I have noticed that she gets uneasy whenever my husband hugs or kisses me. In the beginning she wanted to always sit between us on the couch, or would hold my husbands hands while we are watching movie, and little things like that, which seem weird for a father daughter relation. I realized that since she is young and sees me hugging and kissing her dad in a certain way, she tries to get the same kind of attention from her dad. She does get jealous and when my husband hugs or kisses me, then she ALWAYS interrupts with some question, or even gets cranky. My husband and I are affectionate towards each other, but in NO WAY inappropriate in front of the kids. As your daughter is growing up, you have to accept that she is going to be jealous of you, and say things to her mother no matter what. I don’t think any kid under 3 year old has the sense to say things like that (maybe the ex-wife is wanting to cause drama, since she is jealous too) but from 8/9 years to adulthood, expect them to be jealous/cranky/unhappy around you. Not only the change in hormones are occuring but also, the first man in their life(their dad) is with someone else besides their mother. In my experience of step kids I learned that you are always a step mother no matter how much you do for the kids, and always your husband would always take his kids side. To sum up, you should NOT marry someone with kids with a previous marriage, unless you have been married before and have kids too. If you marry someone with kids, then there should be rules and boundaries set from day one about the kids involvement in your marriage, and the involvement of the ex-wife. Sorry dear, I think there is not much you can do, since you can’t even talk to a kid and ask their problem. By the way, I have tried that and talking can worsen the situation. Just make sure your husband understands your side.


Jan 14, 2012 ex
by: Anonymous

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Jan 09, 2012 psyco exwife
by: the good one

Well my husbands ex thinks he should still keep her up. She constantly harrasses him for money. They have joint legal/physical and there wasn’t any child support to be paid. He however agreed to pay for all her cloting, school lunch, field trips, all after school activities which he does. Any and everything his daughter needs he pays for. Yet that’s not Good enough for his ex she contstantly threatens to take I’m back to court to get full custody and child support. We had to file a contempt on her for her not letting him have his 50/50 time. Shge constantly just tries to cause drama cuz she is so jealous. And miserable in her own life that’s she doesn’t want him to be happy either and uses their lil girl as a pawn in her sick twisted games. I just ope when we get to court that the judge will see right through her!


Oct 28, 2011 My step daughter insists on calling me “mom”
by: Cynthia

I’ve been married for 4 years now. I met my step daughter when she was 4 and since we have her half of the week she is as part of the family/household as my 2 yr old son with her father.
The relationship with the ex was cordial but changed completely after my son was born. She turned 180 degrees and turned into a psycho. In the meantime my relationship with my step daughter intensified. She insists on calling me mommy just like my son does and I stopped correcting her. I insist on treating all my kids equally. I never want her to feel any different.
4 years later and a new pregnancy and things have not changed. His ex can’t keep a job, sends mass emails, text messages always finding an excuse to fight. We ignore her emails but they do affect me for some reason. We don’t know how to stop her. She is such a mess that her daughter is behind in school, doesn’t turn homework in and has a hard time socializing. We are the stable part of her life, we hire tutors, take her to doctors, cut her nails, read with her every night. The ex still finds reasons to blame everything on us.
Bottom line, it doesn’t get better and it won’t until his ex finds a new partner, a new source of issues. In our case she has decided to inflict torture upon herself and slow down the process. I’m sure it’s twice as painful but she resists to let go and her life keeps getting worse. My stepdaughters life spirals down with her as well.
I have no answers. It’s painful. At the beginning my husband and I used to fight about it. Now we try to take it with humor. It still bother me though. I truly wish things were different so my stepdaughter could enjoy two normal homes where she is loved and appreciated…


Oct 04, 2011 the stepmother causes trouble
by: ex wife

Although I understand the stepmoms side of this coin, I have been a step mom, I am currently the ex wife whos daughter’s soon to be step mom has consistently caused issue between my ex husband and myself. She has shut down our communication, played head games with my child all the while a smile on her face.

I tried to get a quick meeting with the ex as my girl was displaying minor stress, to decide how to best alleviate the issues so she can just be 7. HUUUGGGE mistake. 22 pages and 4 days later , no meeting and no resolve. i Finally put her in councelling. But here’s the kicker, 7 of 22 pages were all about the step mom and all her stress and all her anger at me.The other 15 were how EVERYTHING was my 7 year olds misunderstanding and them defending themselves.
She lies and manipulates so she can be the major victim.

I NEVER did the things this woman is doing. questioning my child if I ever talk bad about the step mom to her. Give me a break, This person needs to stay away from me.

I have chosen to respond to his emails with one word answers or not at all.

Both parties need to be looking at how they are acting and stop making it about the adults.


Sep 29, 2011 Hang In There!
by: Sad, but getting better…

Lola,
Hang in there. I have learned that the ex will probably never rise to your level of discent courtesy and mutual respect. It has been 3 years and I have completely given up on trying to reach out to the ex. She is so stuck in the past and will not make any effort to acknowledge me or the role I now play in her children’s lives. I have found the best course for keeping your sanity and upholding your integrity is to let go of trying to have a relationship with her. You are significant in your husband’s lives and significant in your step-children’s lives. You are only accountable to them and your self. Shower your new children’s lives with love and understanding and don’t get sucked into the ex’s attempts to sabbotage you or your relationship with your husband. The more you can stay on the consistent course of demonstrating love, compassion and understanding to those children the stronger your relationship will become with your husband and the kids. Eventually they will grow into adults and be able to look at your example as what a true parent does. It might take awhile but it will get better. The ex has control issues and wants nothing else then to see your relationship fail. Don’t give her that opportunity, just stay your course because there is nothing you can say that will change her mind or help her see it your way. Believe in your marriage and give your husband that love and encouragement he needs without making it about her. I have learned to just check out and not have an emotional response to the ex when she is trying to sabbotage. The only control we have is over our own emotions. Hang in there! I feel your pain. Manipulative dissullisioned ex-wives have bigger issues then we could ever fix.


Sep 26, 2011 Feeling the pressure
by: Lola

Hello, I am a new step mum of 3 kids, aged 9, 13 & 15, and am feeling the pressure. The two youngest kids are boys and they’re great and the oldest is a girl. I’ve tried being nice to their mother by offering my help and respect her. However, she never says hello or doesn’t reply to my text msg’s. I have a good relationship with the boys and the girl I don’t see much but get along when I do see her. The bio mum will not talk to me but will talk to my fella. This makes me feel like an outsider, I don’t know if she deliberately wants to make me feel like this but no matter how much I try be good and respectful for she is rude or ignores me. This puts pressure on my relationship with my man and the kids because I feel like i have no place. It’s really hard to be a step mum, sometimes I wish I didn’t have this in my life.


Mar 21, 2011 Kels
by: Anonymous

Ok girls, I’m feeling your pain! I do understand how hard it is to be a step-mom! I fortunately have a great relationship with my step-daughter mother, but we do have a very fine line to walk. It is not our job to deal with punishment or with the ex! I have my own daughter and her father resently got married. She is a loon! My daughter is 6 years old and hates her. However, step-mom will freak out if she doesn’t get her way or she is not in complete control over a situation! My 6 yr old basically has to keep her head low and not rock the boat or she will fly into a frenzy! She has caused so many problems with me and my ex! My husband and I have tried to wave the white flag on more than one occation even inviting her to our daughters bday party so they could be a part of it. I am always pleasant when talking to either of them. But if I say something they do not agree with step-mom will go nuts! My daughter cries and cries and begs me not to make her go there! I am afraid of what they are doing to her emotionally! Their punishments and the way they treat her are crazy and I’ve talked to my ex about it many times. He does not care what I think telling me it’s none of my business! So for all of you great step moms out there keep rocking and for you crazy ones….find a new hobby!! :-) All joking aside is there any advice for me?


Feb 04, 2011 STREES OUT STEP MUM
by: Anonymous

I TO AM A STEP MUM AND HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS, BUT I DONE EVERYTHING FOR MY STEP CHILD I MEET HER AND HER DAD WHEN SHE WAS 4 AND HER MUM WAS MORE WORK ORIANTED AND DAD WORKED TO AFTER WE MOVED BACK TO SYDNEY, WHERE HER MUM LIVED, ANY I DID ALL THE SCHOOL STUFF WALKED HER TO SCHOOL, PICKED HER UP EVEN WHEN I JUST A A BABY (C/SECTION) TOOK HER TO CLARENET LESSONS, HOME WORK ON TIME YOU KNOW THE THINGS YOU DO FOR YOUR OWN KIDS, ANY WAY SINCE MY STEP DAUGHT HAS HIT HIGH SCHOOL I DONT HAVE A SAY OR GET SPOKE TO EVERYTHING JUST HAPPENS, AND WHEN I DO HAVE TO TALK TO HER MOTHER I GET TREATED LIKE CRAP, OH YEAH I DID ALL THE TALKING WITH HER MUM OVER THE YEARS AS MY STEP DAUGHTERS DAD WOULDNT, SO NOW IF I SAY SOMETHING HE NEVER HELPS ME OR STANDS UP FOR ME I GET PUT DOWN ALL THE TIME WHICH STRESSES MY STEP DAUGHTER AND I METION HOW I GET SPOKEN TO AND HE ROLES HIS EYES AT ME, AND I CANT RELLI HIM HOW I FEEL BECAUSE HE GETS ANGRY AT ME, I NOW FEEL I PUT TO MUCH EMOTION IN TO THIS CHILD WHO I LOVE AS MUCH AS MINE, NOW I DONT KNOW WEATHER TO GIVE UP AND JUST BACK AND DEAL WITH IT ON MY OWN OR IF I DO SAY SOMETHING WHAT DO I SAY SO HE DOESNT GET SHITTY OH YEAH IM 25 HAVE THREE KIDS OF MY OWN


Nov 30, 2010 To Keri in New York
by: Courtney

Hi Keri….I am in the same situation but my new daughers are 17 and 8 and have two seperate mothers. I have been so blessed just as you with how they are to me and loving towards me. Here is my advice from what I have been experiencing as a “step-mom” (we aren’t married but live together):

I belive you are doing everything perfectly. I agree with previous posts, do not contact the ex. See the thing is, you are very much a part of this little girls’ life now BUT when it comes down to it, we are not their mothers. I know it stings to think that way because of the love we have for them, but we step-moms have a fine line to walk when it comes to the children. My advice is to talk it over with your husband (which is sounds like you have already) and carry on as normal. If there is a battle of words to take place, let him handle that with his ex. Don’t let this statment taint how you are with your daughter. I don’t believe she is the one that made those comments but you do have to be prepared that as she is getting older she will start wondering why mommie and daddy live seperately and questions will be asked. This is not a hit towards you or not indicating you have done anything wrong, this is simply her growing up and her mind and curiosities developing. The crappy thing is, most NOT all women will use the children to make stabs at their ex and a lot of times the new woman (us grr). This is what I am seeing with our situation right now. It seems this is what you are experiencing as well. As corny as it sounds, the cliche phrase “Actions speak louder than words” will apply deeply to our positions. Let her talk…let her say things to the daughter, when the daughter comes to visit those things will eventually come out and can be addressed face to face. See with how you show her love and affection she will see that your actions are not what “Mom” is saying you are!

You are doing a great job! Don’t be discouraged, just keep loving her like you do! It will fall into place I promise!!


Nov 07, 2010 dealing w/ ex
by: Anonymous

It is great to see other moms deal w/ the same issues. I have one. My ex just called me yesterday and got married on Friday nite. He met his new wife online and has only known her for 4wks. Yes I said 4 weeks!!!! And now this woman who I have never met is the stepmother to my 3yr old and 5 yr old. Any advice?


May 31, 2010 I’m struggling…
by: Sad and Disilluisioned

I really need advice….My partners ex-wife tells her 4 and 6 yoa girls she hates me and hates my 9 and 7 yoa. I always stay positive and try to reassure the girls I love them, to which they respond, “our mom says you are a liar.” How do I stay hopeful? I don’t want to be resentful or dragged into trying to argue with a hateful ex-wife. My partner is afraid of her because she constantly uses the girls as leverage and denies him any extra time with them. How she can do this to her own children is inconceivable…


Apr 06, 2010 Wow!
by: Terri

Wow Keri in NY! You really struck a nerve with all of us step-mom’s out here! Great topic and it sounds like it is a common problem. I find it interesting that the whole “step-monster” story seems to be a lot more rare than once thought. They do exist though, I had one. After he married her, I think I was 5 or almost 6 at the time, I was allowed to visit my Dad only ONE time when I was little, 6 years old, because of her. And during that one visit that MAYBE lasted 3 weeks, she decided that I was a trouble maker, that I didn’t treat her or my little brother (my mom got me and my dad got my brother in their divorce)with anything but jealousy and meanness! She accused me of hurting her tea cup poodle for goodness sake and it was an outright lie! One day, she tried to pretend that she just loved me and was sooooo sweet. She said she was taking me to have my hair done. I had beautiful long brown hair and blue eyes. I was a chubby little girl, so my hair was one of the only “good” features. She took to one of her buddies who was a hair dresser and both of them proceeded to tell me how ugly and plain my hair was and how they could make me so pretty. They said I would pretty just like her (step-mom) She was a wanna be model who had a huge horse mouth, and had pics of herself ALL over my dad’s house. At any rate, she had her buddy cut all of my hair off and then perm it!!!! I looked horrible. Then she told my Dad that I WANTED her to! Then she told him I was creating hatred and animosity in their household and made me go home 3 weeks early! I got to see my Dad one more time for 1 night when they asked my mom to come out so they could talk about her signing over her rights to my little brother. NOT! Then my Dad died when I was 10. I hate the B*!#h to this day. So yes they do exist, but at least as often it is the bio-mom that causes the most damage!
Keri, please update us all and let us know how it is going for you and your family.


Mar 28, 2010 Addition to comment…
by: nightowl2780

Also, his ex expects me to allow ALL of her kids at my house regularly because they all call my boyfriend daddy even though they aren’t his kids. I have a HUGE issue with non-bio kids calling him daddy and I don’t want to be her free childcare so she can go a whore around!!! Ridiculous. My boyfriend and I never fight EXCEPT about his ex and her kids!!!


Mar 28, 2010 his ex from hell
by: nightowl2780

I am thankful I am not the only person going through this but at the same time – it is really sad that anyone needs to go through this. I am a 30 y/o first time mom of a 2 month onld daughter. My boyfriend has a 9 year old daughter to one of the most disgusting people I have ever me in my whole life.
First of all, she is younger than me and has 5 kids from 4 different men. That should tell you something right there. It gets worse though. She has come into the bar I work part-time at when I was working and started problems with me. She has called my house numerous times and threatened me and called me names. On top of that, she threatened my baby when I was pregnant. I love my man but I have had enough. I don’t want his daughter in my house. Every time she comes over, we get into a fight OR his ex calls and starts problems. I have tried being nice but it didn’t work. I am at my wits end. What should I do?? Please give me any kind of advice – I am soon not gonna let his daughter visit OR just break up with him. I can’t handle it anymore and I don’t want this fighting around my daughter!!!


Mar 22, 2010 hannakea@yahoo.com
by: Anonymous

I am having a hard time…my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 yrs..when we got together he was separated for about 3 months from his wife..we moved in together about a year and half ago his daughter from his first marriage is 12 yrs old and comes over every other weekend, she is constantly talking about his wife(soon to be ex-she was making the divorce/custody very difficult for him because he was with me..but she all of a sudden has a change of heart??)His 12yr old carries pics of her dad and his wife/ex all around with her…My boyfriend and I have also had a baby boy together..he’s 3 months old so now I’m permanently in his other child’s lives..The 12 yr old is and was very excited/happy about baby brother during pregnancy and now..but she still finds ways to create a fight between her dad and I..tries to bring up things/memories involving wife in the past in front of me to make me jealous or mad..He has a 6yr old daughter he had with his wife the first two years the 6yr old was taught/told to hate me but she likes me anyway..I was told by the 12yr old that the 6yr old is not allowed to even say my name in her house(his wife is very jealous of me)..and the wife made a comment that the younger one would never be aloud to stay the night in our house with me(I have no record/not a bad person at all)Also my boyfriends mom is kind of tooth faced..she says she hates his wife and she says she’s vendictive and a b**** but then she’ll go visit grandchild about 400 miles away where they live and stay in hotel and whole time with the wife too..I’ve never heard of a mom who hated her daughter in-law but spends time in hotel with wife there/ go to lunch and outings with her??..I hate to think I’m being jealous or what??Should I tell the 12yr old which I think were good friends, I feel like a step mom to her that I don’t like her saying things and carrying around pictures of her dad and her ex step mom, cause there not together anymore??Should I confront his mom about her actions??Or why do I feel like they are pretending to be my friend tricking me into being jealous and stupid just to give themselves kicks and something to laugh at with his wife??I try so hard to be cool and fun but every time I turn around I feel like it’s not working/I feel unwanted..That doesn’t help my boyfriend get over his marriage either with all this??Sometimes I feel like maybe if I just broke up with him everything would turn the way they want and they could be a happy family again??I’m just so lost with the whole step-mom thing…Sometimes it seems the stuff I let slide and deal with shouldn’t be happening, isn’t normal??I don’t know if I am over reacting..it’s just so hard for me to move forward when I feel like people are holding on to the past??My boyfriend has reassured me many times he doesn’t want his ex or marriage, he wants his divorce??
If anyone has any input please email me..I would love some insight or advice…Hanna


Dec 03, 2009 Stay out of everything! The little girl shoe be your priorty!
by: Staey

STAY FAR AWAY FRIM TALKING TO HIS EX! I have the same situatuion only my husbands son is 10. His ex is making everything messy! (the divorce) The ex has his son trained to not like me. Believe me before his son and I used to have a great time! Since she has a lawyer and we dont, she gets the upper hand in EVERYTHING. It’s actually come to the point of me not wanting to see him )his son) anymore b/c he lied not once but twice and called children and youth and said I was a bad mother. The inspectors laughed it off and said our house is fine and we sre great parents. The custody araingment states the parents swith every other major holiday… Well ’08 X-mas he was with his mom, and of course ’09 X-mas he is with his mom again. My husband and I are both ready to throw in the towel. Sinse he is spemding more time with his mother he has become nastier and nastier to the both of us. I wish it could be like old time, but until he is old enough to understand the situation… it wont be. My husband’s ex said HE was the reason hurting his child when honestly its been his ex the whole time.

Hope this helped!


Nov 17, 2009 consistent
by: Anonymous

Well, it is sad but true. Your answers on this forum, while very sad, are definitely consistent. I sure hope that if my husband and I ever get divorce that I do not turn into the type of person these other women are! They are obviously very nasty, ugly, vile creatures, using their daughters as pawns in a game even when it is hurting their own child. I absolutely HATE any parent who does not put their child’s well being first.
How is it going by the way?


Nov 16, 2009 Somethings you truly cannot change..
by: Anonymous

My compliments to you and the Dad for putting forth your best efforts for a little girl and not for yourselves. BUT on that note, you cannot fight her mom no matter how good you or Dad are or how evil/nasty she is (I speak from experience here).

Children have a profound attachment to their mothers no matter how bad these moms are; this is what we are as humans. The situation with the child seems lovely, but be careful that your heart is not broken when she changes her minds due to manipulation from the mom. Again children try to please there moms more than they would want to please their fathers.

I am glad I try my best and even now still give my best; but I now know as a step-mom, I will never be allowed to be apart of my step-kids family unit for as long as their mother is a live, because she will not have it.

AND if you think it’s bad now, it gets worse when the grandkids come. Be proud of yourself and make a separate live with your better half and enjoy each other.


Oct 15, 2009 Oops
by: Terri

Sorry, I guess that I got busy and forgot to finish my comment to you. My wind however is gone. All that I can say to you is to be careful. My stepdaughter always loved us and eventually wanted our home to be her main home. After 10,000.00 and much conniving by the Mom, we were granted joint legal and physical custody. However, once a teenager, her mother’s unstructured, wild ways and being allowed to do whatever she pleased gain control of my once sweet, angelic, little girl. After many months of her acting strange, changing so much, turning into a “goth” girl, we searched her room for drugs and found her diary instead, in which she vascillated between her Christian walk and a very disturbed, violent fantasies stranger. She wrote that she would like to turn the garbage disposal on with my hand in it. Called her father her “dripping penis” of a father for not allowing to her date/have boyfriends, referred to her two little brothers, Mine and her dad’s boys together, as horrible things that she “Fu*!*ng couldn’t stand.” Now, Mom has gained custody back. You could have knocked my husband over with a feather when both the judge and her attorney berated him for “invading her privacy” and his old fashioned sense, asking him what exactly was “his problem” with her dating before 16????? I am heartbroken, disillusioned, and bitter now. I hope and pray for you that your angel doesn’t turn into what ours did.


Oct 14, 2009 Becoming a stepmom
by: mike@ahamoment.com

This is a really interesting post. Not an angle that you see written about often, nice work.
Reading this made me think of Kathleen who sent us her story about becoming a stepmom. She talks about her initial uncertainty, and then with her husband?s help learning to follow her heart and now absolutely LOVING being a stepmom.
Below is a link to her video. I hope you like it as much as I do. Take care.

http://www.ahamoment.com/vote/kathleen


Aug 02, 2009 Keep up the great work!
by: Terri

Hi Keri. You sound like you are truly making the effort to form a family for this child and that you are truly doing it for her and NOT for her father. That is the first and most important thing. At first when reading your story I began to wonder who you were doing it for, but it is actually very obvious that you love her for her own sake, as well as for her father’s. Next, I noticed that “Dad” genuinely cares for his daughter’s feelings by realizing that even though she is small, it was important to go slow at first. She must always know that her feelings will be respected and that above all else she is safe and loved by Daddy and now by you as well. Very impressive. One thing to be careful of – not becoming the “Disneland Family” home. Of course you want to make the little time that you have with her special, but be sure to make sure she still must observe rules, regulations, and manners, etc. That can be something that is hard on the parent that has the full time job of discipline, although it sounds like Mom is creating this issue as well with the limited time she allows her daughter to be with her Dad. Still, this way no one could ever accuse you or Dad of “spoiling” in order to make Mom appear the “bad guy.” You and your fiancee have your roles in this little angels life nailed, I must say and I admire you. Now for the hard part. I come from 12 1/2 years of experience here. I am not perfect but if any of my long winded advice might help, than it is wind well blown, if you catch my drift? :-) Mine and my husbands situation was very similar to yours, only I knew my girl since she was born. I was friends with her mother, but was NOT, and I repeat NOT the reason for the break up. Mom decided to run around, do drugs, keep the daughter’s whereabouts from Dad etc. As her friend, I tried to help her, told her what she was doing was wrong and that the Dad had a right to know where his daughter was and to see her (They were never married, so no official divorce paperwork was possible to let the poor man establish his rights, and she used this to her advantage whenever possible!) Her erratic behavior was actually what caused the end of our friendship and as I had always been friends of both her and the Dad, well, Dad and I got closer and fell in love. We were married and “our girl” was our flower girl and since we kinda did the whole thing a bit backwards, our 18 month old son was our ring bearer! It was beautiful.
Then, for awhile the mom got her life together and eventually, she and I talked. She was indeed very grateful that her daughter was genuinely loved, taken care of, and adored for her own sake. Mom was grateful that she did not have to worry whether or not her daughter was being treated badly by a step monster that was jealous of her and did not want her as part of the new life situation. However…