How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?
by Keri
(New York )
Ok here's my situation: my boyfriend & I are both about to be married, this will be a second marriage for both of us. My marriage didnt have children but his has a child, who was almost 6 months when they split and when his ex moved out of state with their daughter, (knowing he didnt know he could stop her, but thats not the issue at hand here, so let me stay on track). At any rate their daughter is 2&1/2 years old and we've been together since she's 1 year old. We were very careful in the beginning not to throw me in her face... in fact, the first time I met her on one of her first visits here, we did it in a very kid friendly environment (amusement park) and I only spent a few hours with her twice during her trip, we also werent living together then. Since then he has moved into my house with me and she has come to visit us three times for two weeks at a time. Those were the greatest times!! Really they were and I am not saying it just b/c I am in a forum! So now that I gave you a background, let me tell you what I do with her or try to do with her to make her feel comfortable and make this her home as well as the one with her mother. I know nothing is ever like it is with mom, but I am trying to find a happy medium here, I feel as though no matter what I do I will fail! I have three spare rooms in my home. SO when my boyfriend moved in I automatically just made one of them strictly for his daughter! I painted murals on the walls, got new dressers, books, crafts, toys etc. So this is HER room and HERS only. When she is here I make sure we have "family" time, she has "daddy" time (without me) and she has "me" time (without daddy), we take walks, draw, dance or whatever she chooses! My family (my mom and dad) have accepted her as their granddaughter (as they should) and my brother and sister the same as a niece... I really try to do as much a possible, and sometimes maybe I do overkill but I am trying my hardest! Her and I have GREAT times together and what I think is the beginning of a GREAT Step mom/step daughter relationship, we got to the pool, the lakes, the oceans, to the park, the zoo etc... I try to make it fun and educational & something she will remember us for when she goes back home to her mother since we are only allowed to see her every few months (per her mother,when she feels like)I call or text her mother when she is here to let her know how she is doing with her potty training, how she is sleeping, how she is feeling etc. So now I have been around for a while, my step daughter has been around me more than once for longer periods of time. But something has changed this time. When we took her back, about two hours later my boyfriend gets a call from his ex asking how she was around me, when he said we had a great time and got along perfectly, she stated that her daughter told her daddy and me were "too close" and seems very jealous of me. To me this doesnt sound like something a two year old would just come out and say, it sounds like her mom asked her if i was too close to her daddy? I could be wrong but does a two year old even know what a jealous feeling is? Now when we dropped her off, she hugged and kissed me good bye, I KNOW all you mothers are probably thinking you'd be a little upset or hurt by that too and PLEASE believe me I understand that, but dont you think she would be happy that her daughter and I get along and we have a good relationship like that?? (let me also tell you that I am not nor was I the reason for their split, we didnt know each other then) So let me clarify the "too close". I, like my boyfriend are VERY affectionate people, not just with each other but with our families, do we make out or have long passionate kisses in front of her, absolutely not! Do I hug and kiss him when i come in from work and before I go to bed yes, as I do to her when she is here! My parents have been married for 42 years and to this day they hold hands and sit with their arms around each other on the couch, they are affectionate as well and that is how I was brought up to be. Anyway, my take on this is that, yes my step daughter CAN be jealous, but it seems to me that her mother is more jealous that I am still around and that her ex is happy and has moved on to a steady relationship when she has not yet found that. I feel like she is putting these thoughts into her head and there is nothing I can do or say to defend myself, only my boyfriend can and does! SO I guess the questions after all this ramble is there any way for me to address this properly? Am I doing the right things here? Should I address the ex wife at all?
PLEASE HELP! Any advice you can give me would be most appreciated! Thank you for reading my long winded story
Comments for
How to handle being a step mom and the ex wife? Any suggestions?
I really need advice....My partners ex-wife tells her 4 and 6 yoa girls she hates me and hates my 9 and 7 yoa. I always stay positive and try to reassure the girls I love them, to which they respond, "our mom says you are a liar." How do I stay hopeful? I don't want to be resentful or dragged into trying to argue with a hateful ex-wife. My partner is afraid of her because she constantly uses the girls as leverage and denies him any extra time with them. How she can do this to her own children is inconceivable...
Apr 06, 2010
Wow! by: Terri
Wow Keri in NY! You really struck a nerve with all of us step-mom's out here! Great topic and it sounds like it is a common problem. I find it interesting that the whole "step-monster" story seems to be a lot more rare than once thought. They do exist though, I had one. After he married her, I think I was 5 or almost 6 at the time, I was allowed to visit my Dad only ONE time when I was little, 6 years old, because of her. And during that one visit that MAYBE lasted 3 weeks, she decided that I was a trouble maker, that I didn't treat her or my little brother (my mom got me and my dad got my brother in their divorce)with anything but jealousy and meanness! She accused me of hurting her tea cup poodle for goodness sake and it was an outright lie! One day, she tried to pretend that she just loved me and was sooooo sweet. She said she was taking me to have my hair done. I had beautiful long brown hair and blue eyes. I was a chubby little girl, so my hair was one of the only "good" features. She took to one of her buddies who was a hair dresser and both of them proceeded to tell me how ugly and plain my hair was and how they could make me so pretty. They said I would pretty just like her (step-mom) She was a wanna be model who had a huge horse mouth, and had pics of herself ALL over my dad's house. At any rate, she had her buddy cut all of my hair off and then perm it!!!! I looked horrible. Then she told my Dad that I WANTED her to! Then she told him I was creating hatred and animosity in their household and made me go home 3 weeks early! I got to see my Dad one more time for 1 night when they asked my mom to come out so they could talk about her signing over her rights to my little brother. NOT! Then my Dad died when I was 10. I hate the B*!#h to this day. So yes they do exist, but at least as often it is the bio-mom that causes the most damage! Keri, please update us all and let us know how it is going for you and your family.
Mar 28, 2010
Addition to comment... by: nightowl2780
Also, his ex expects me to allow ALL of her kids at my house regularly because they all call my boyfriend daddy even though they aren't his kids. I have a HUGE issue with non-bio kids calling him daddy and I don't want to be her free childcare so she can go a whore around!!! Ridiculous. My boyfriend and I never fight EXCEPT about his ex and her kids!!!
Mar 28, 2010
his ex from hell by: nightowl2780
I am thankful I am not the only person going through this but at the same time - it is really sad that anyone needs to go through this. I am a 30 y/o first time mom of a 2 month onld daughter. My boyfriend has a 9 year old daughter to one of the most disgusting people I have ever me in my whole life. First of all, she is younger than me and has 5 kids from 4 different men. That should tell you something right there. It gets worse though. She has come into the bar I work part-time at when I was working and started problems with me. She has called my house numerous times and threatened me and called me names. On top of that, she threatened my baby when I was pregnant. I love my man but I have had enough. I don't want his daughter in my house. Every time she comes over, we get into a fight OR his ex calls and starts problems. I have tried being nice but it didn't work. I am at my wits end. What should I do?? Please give me any kind of advice - I am soon not gonna let his daughter visit OR just break up with him. I can't handle it anymore and I don't want this fighting around my daughter!!!
Mar 22, 2010
hannakea@yahoo.com by: Anonymous
I am having a hard time...my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 yrs..when we got together he was separated for about 3 months from his wife..we moved in together about a year and half ago his daughter from his first marriage is 12 yrs old and comes over every other weekend, she is constantly talking about his wife(soon to be ex-she was making the divorce/custody very difficult for him because he was with me..but she all of a sudden has a change of heart??)His 12yr old carries pics of her dad and his wife/ex all around with her...My boyfriend and I have also had a baby boy together..he's 3 months old so now I'm permanently in his other child's lives..The 12 yr old is and was very excited/happy about baby brother during pregnancy and now..but she still finds ways to create a fight between her dad and I..tries to bring up things/memories involving wife in the past in front of me to make me jealous or mad..He has a 6yr old daughter he had with his wife the first two years the 6yr old was taught/told to hate me but she likes me anyway..I was told by the 12yr old that the 6yr old is not allowed to even say my name in her house(his wife is very jealous of me)..and the wife made a comment that the younger one would never be aloud to stay the night in our house with me(I have no record/not a bad person at all)Also my boyfriends mom is kind of tooth faced..she says she hates his wife and she says she's vendictive and a b**** but then she'll go visit grandchild about 400 miles away where they live and stay in hotel and whole time with the wife too..I've never heard of a mom who hated her daughter in-law but spends time in hotel with wife there/ go to lunch and outings with her??..I hate to think I'm being jealous or what??Should I tell the 12yr old which I think were good friends, I feel like a step mom to her that I don't like her saying things and carrying around pictures of her dad and her ex step mom, cause there not together anymore??Should I confront his mom about her actions??Or why do I feel like they are pretending to be my friend tricking me into being jealous and stupid just to give themselves kicks and something to laugh at with his wife??I try so hard to be cool and fun but every time I turn around I feel like it's not working/I feel unwanted..That doesn't help my boyfriend get over his marriage either with all this??Sometimes I feel like maybe if I just broke up with him everything would turn the way they want and they could be a happy family again??I'm just so lost with the whole step-mom thing...Sometimes it seems the stuff I let slide and deal with shouldn't be happening, isn't normal??I don't know if I am over reacting..it's just so hard for me to move forward when I feel like people are holding on to the past??My boyfriend has reassured me many times he doesn't want his ex or marriage, he wants his divorce?? If anyone has any input please email me..I would love some insight or advice...Hanna
Dec 03, 2009
Stay out of everything! The little girl shoe be your priorty! by: Staey
STAY FAR AWAY FRIM TALKING TO HIS EX! I have the same situatuion only my husbands son is 10. His ex is making everything messy! (the divorce) The ex has his son trained to not like me. Believe me before his son and I used to have a great time! Since she has a lawyer and we dont, she gets the upper hand in EVERYTHING. It's actually come to the point of me not wanting to see him )his son) anymore b/c he lied not once but twice and called children and youth and said I was a bad mother. The inspectors laughed it off and said our house is fine and we sre great parents. The custody araingment states the parents swith every other major holiday... Well '08 X-mas he was with his mom, and of course '09 X-mas he is with his mom again. My husband and I are both ready to throw in the towel. Sinse he is spemding more time with his mother he has become nastier and nastier to the both of us. I wish it could be like old time, but until he is old enough to understand the situation... it wont be. My husband's ex said HE was the reason hurting his child when honestly its been his ex the whole time.
Hope this helped!
Nov 17, 2009
consistent by: Anonymous
Well, it is sad but true. Your answers on this forum, while very sad, are definitely consistent. I sure hope that if my husband and I ever get divorce that I do not turn into the type of person these other women are! They are obviously very nasty, ugly, vile creatures, using their daughters as pawns in a game even when it is hurting their own child. I absolutely HATE any parent who does not put their child's well being first. How is it going by the way?
Nov 16, 2009
Somethings you truly cannot change.. by: Anonymous
My compliments to you and the Dad for putting forth your best efforts for a little girl and not for yourselves. BUT on that note, you cannot fight her mom no matter how good you or Dad are or how evil/nasty she is (I speak from experience here).
Children have a profound attachment to their mothers no matter how bad these moms are; this is what we are as humans. The situation with the child seems lovely, but be careful that your heart is not broken when she changes her minds due to manipulation from the mom. Again children try to please there moms more than they would want to please their fathers.
I am glad I try my best and even now still give my best; but I now know as a step-mom, I will never be allowed to be apart of my step-kids family unit for as long as their mother is a live, because she will not have it.
AND if you think it's bad now, it gets worse when the grandkids come. Be proud of yourself and make a separate live with your better half and enjoy each other.
Oct 15, 2009
Oops by: Terri
Sorry, I guess that I got busy and forgot to finish my comment to you. My wind however is gone. All that I can say to you is to be careful. My stepdaughter always loved us and eventually wanted our home to be her main home. After 10,000.00 and much conniving by the Mom, we were granted joint legal and physical custody. However, once a teenager, her mother's unstructured, wild ways and being allowed to do whatever she pleased gain control of my once sweet, angelic, little girl. After many months of her acting strange, changing so much, turning into a "goth" girl, we searched her room for drugs and found her diary instead, in which she vascillated between her Christian walk and a very disturbed, violent fantasies stranger. She wrote that she would like to turn the garbage disposal on with my hand in it. Called her father her "dripping penis" of a father for not allowing to her date/have boyfriends, referred to her two little brothers, Mine and her dad's boys together, as horrible things that she "Fu*!*ng couldn't stand." Now, Mom has gained custody back. You could have knocked my husband over with a feather when both the judge and her attorney berated him for "invading her privacy" and his old fashioned sense, asking him what exactly was "his problem" with her dating before 16????? I am heartbroken, disillusioned, and bitter now. I hope and pray for you that your angel doesn't turn into what ours did.
Oct 14, 2009
Becoming a stepmom by: mike@ahamoment.com
This is a really interesting post. Not an angle that you see written about often, nice work.
Reading this made me think of Kathleen who sent us her story about becoming a stepmom. She talks about her initial uncertainty, and then with her husband?s help learning to follow her heart and now absolutely LOVING being a stepmom.
Below is a link to her video. I hope you like it as much as I do. Take care.
http://www.ahamoment.com/vote/kathleen
Aug 02, 2009
Keep up the great work! by: Terri
Hi Keri. You sound like you are truly making the effort to form a family for this child and that you are truly doing it for her and NOT for her father. That is the first and most important thing. At first when reading your story I began to wonder who you were doing it for, but it is actually very obvious that you love her for her own sake, as well as for her father's. Next, I noticed that "Dad" genuinely cares for his daughter's feelings by realizing that even though she is small, it was important to go slow at first. She must always know that her feelings will be respected and that above all else she is safe and loved by Daddy and now by you as well. Very impressive. One thing to be careful of - not becoming the "Disneland Family" home. Of course you want to make the little time that you have with her special, but be sure to make sure she still must observe rules, regulations, and manners, etc. That can be something that is hard on the parent that has the full time job of discipline, although it sounds like Mom is creating this issue as well with the limited time she allows her daughter to be with her Dad. Still, this way no one could ever accuse you or Dad of "spoiling" in order to make Mom appear the "bad guy." You and your fiancee have your roles in this little angels life nailed, I must say and I admire you. Now for the hard part. I come from 12 1/2 years of experience here. I am not perfect but if any of my long winded advice might help, than it is wind well blown, if you catch my drift? :-) Mine and my husbands situation was very similar to yours, only I knew my girl since she was born. I was friends with her mother, but was NOT, and I repeat NOT the reason for the break up. Mom decided to run around, do drugs, keep the daughter's whereabouts from Dad etc. As her friend, I tried to help her, told her what she was doing was wrong and that the Dad had a right to know where his daughter was and to see her (They were never married, so no official divorce paperwork was possible to let the poor man establish his rights, and she used this to her advantage whenever possible!) Her erratic behavior was actually what caused the end of our friendship and as I had always been friends of both her and the Dad, well, Dad and I got closer and fell in love. We were married and "our girl" was our flower girl and since we kinda did the whole thing a bit backwards, our 18 month old son was our ring bearer! It was beautiful.
Then, for awhile the mom got her life together and eventually, she and I talked. She was indeed very grateful that her daughter was genuinely loved, taken care of, and adored for her own sake. Mom was grateful that she did not have to worry whether or not her daughter was being treated badly by a step monster that was jealous of her and did not want her as part of the new life situation. However...
