concern over mother letting parents take 3 yr old out of country for 3 mos. soon after father abandons child
by Susan Ahmed
(Arnold Md 21012)
I have a neice who's husband left her and their 3 year old daughter 4 months ago. My neice and her husband lived with us ever since Nina (3 year old) was 7 months old. She calls my husband and I nani and pop pop. After her marriage was over, she moved back to New Jersey to live with her parents. After being unable to find a job she is relocating back to Maryland. We have kept in touch and have gone to pick Nina up on a couple of occasions. She always wants to stay with us because this is the house she remembers as hers. My neice is informing me now that he parents are going back to Bangladesh in October and want to take the 3 year old with them. They are going for 3 months. I think this is too long a period to be away from her mother so soon after her father has abandoned her. I asked my neice why she would even contemplate this and she says she wants to please her parents. Now keep in mind that this is a very different culture and this kind of behaviour about pleasing the parents is very common but at what expense will Nina my 3 year old great neice suffer. Please give me some advice that I can share with my neice.
Comments for
concern over mother letting parents take 3 yr old out of country for 3 mos. soon after father abandons child
Wow, what an extremely difficult situation for you. You obviously love both your niece and your great-niece and want what's best. I think that first you have to look objectively at the situation (which I know is very hard to do when we are emotionally involved) and ask a few questions. First, how stable is Mom right now? Is she doing well, providing a stable home for her and her daughter? Or is she still falling apart at the seams due to the father leaving them? How stable are your niece's parents? Do they love the child and have her best interest at heart in all that they do? Is her safety, mental and physical well-being a priority for them? And most important when it comes to them, do the WANT to take this 3 year old on their trip with them? I wouldn't worry so much about the different culture as the child would have Gram and Grandpa there to explain and to be physical reminders of what HER culture is. It would actually be a wonderful experience for most children, as they are such little sponges at this age and can truly appreciate a lot of what we adults can not. I would say that if Mom is not stable, then maybe she is just using the "parent pleasing" as an excuse and could really use the break to back into her groove, so to speak. An event like this can, justifiably, throw the best of mom's for a loop and she is entitled to some readjustment/mental health time if it does not endanger the child. Finally, do the grandparents make sure that the child knows who Mommy is? Or do they try to take that place in her life? Once you can objectively answer all of those questions, then I think that the answer will become clear. One more question that you might want to consider is, "What is your role in all of this?" I am not trying to put you down or anything, but often, when we love a child we always think that we know what is best and can get a little bit (or a lot)jealous when somebody else might know what is best too. Please do not take offense, I just have to do the same thing myself sometimes. We are selfish beings by nature and it is wise to keep that part of ourselves in check is all. Good Luck. Let me know how it turns out.
