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Seeing children
in the midst of a parental custody and/or access dispute
is tricky business. It must be understood that seeing
children on the basis of a one-sided request, particularly
if unknown to the other parent, can actually cause more
harm then good.
The referral
may come from the physician or lawyer. It may be one parent
looking for help. Sinisterly, it may be a parent looking
to bolster their claim that the children should live with
him/her alone.
In these instances,
the children may be coached directly or inadvertently
to tell the counselor that parent's version of events.
Even when a parent reminds their child to "tell the
truth", what is really meant is that parent's truth.
This intensifies the distress to which the children are
subject.
Counselors
meeting with these children on a one sided basis, often
see a distraught or anxious parent with the kids in tow,
urging them to speak. The child prattles off a litany
of complaints, often gazing back to the parent to make
sure the key points have been covered and meet with parent
approval.
To the uninitiated
counselor, the scenario is taken at face value. The counselor
will dutifully report on observations and the expressed
issues of the child. The parent will look relieved, as
well the child. It is a moment to be short lived. With
the one parent satisfied, the heat is momentarily off
the child.
However, once
the other parent learns what has transpired, that parent
will look to set their version of the record straight.
This will also be through the mouths of the children to
a new counselor and the children will again be "reminded"
to tell the truth; this other parent's truth. The child
will then live another short moment of peace, until the
first parent learns of the actions of this other parent.
The conflict
intensifies as the children are thus dragged counselor
to counselor. They are caught between the ever-escalating
struggles, seeking to meet the demands of each parent
as ally. In the midst of such conflict, children's distress
escalates and mood, behaviour and concentration deteriorate.
Although well
intentioned, it is imperative for both parents and referral
sources to appreciate that in order to be truly helpful,
children must be emancipated from parental conflict, not
further embedded in it.
Meeting with
the children alone may inadvertently reinforce a misplaced
view of the problem and/or intensify the conflict and/or
give the illusion of help when at the same time the child
is subject to increasingly toxic parental conflict.
To use a medical
analogy, x-ray before surgery to be assured you are cutting
in the right place. A child in distress does not equate
to the child seeing the counselor first. In fact, it could
be quite harmful. To this end, and by the truly initiated
counselor, there might actually be a refusal to meet with
the children in favour of first meeting with both parents.
In the midst of allegations of domestic violence, meetings
can take place with both parents together assuming appropriate
safeguards or serially, by seeing each parent on separate
occasions. The benefit of meeting with the parents is
to actually address the underlying cause of the child's
distress; the parental conflict. If thereafter children
are to be seen, it is often advantageous to meet with
the children on separate occasions, brought by one then
other parent. This brings balance to the understanding
of the problems befalling them by way of the parental
conflict and separation. Thereafter help can be more finely
attuned which at that point may include individual counselling
for the children.
If you are
unsure how to proceed, consult a counselor whose experience
includes matters related to parental separation and divorce
as well as expertise in domestic violence, alcoholism
and addictions. Making the wrong cut, regardless of the
distress, will not bring the relief sought. Children need
to be helped, not harmed and their immediate counselling
may not be the answer.
About the Author:
Gary Direnfeld
is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider
him an expert on child development, parent-child relations,
marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations,
social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a
critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Search
Gary's name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles or
visit his website. Call him for your next conference and
for expert opinion on family matters. His services include
counselling, mediation, assessment and assessment critiques.
Gary Direnfeld,
MSW, RSW (905) 628-4847 gary@yoursocialworker.com www.yoursocialworker.com
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