|
|
If your child
deliberately ignores you, pretends not to hear your requests,
and refuses to greet you or others, read on to see how
you can deal with their behavior without losing your cool.
Kids purposely
ignore you because it gives them a sense of power and
control. It makes them feel big, and pretending not to
hear you makes them feel like they're flexing their muscles.
What I recommend
is that you figure out what's important to you as a parent
and what's important to your child. When your child is
not talking to you is frustrated with you and is not responding
the idea is to ask yourself, as hard as it may seem, "What
does my child need from me right now?" I think what
they need is for limits, expectations and consequences
to be spelled out more clearly for them at some calmer
time so that they clearly understand what they're risking.
I believe what they don't need is a lecture or confrontation,
because that gives the situation more power and ultimately,
it just feeds the fire. I personally think what your child
may need from you is to be left alone. Remember, avoid
power struggles and make sure you win the ones you pick.
And only pick the ones that are going to be developmentally
important for your child or your family, or that have
to do with safety, health and welfare.
It's natural
for you to be frustrated when you see your child refuse
to greet you or other people, or ignore you when you ask
them how their day went. But it's not the time to fight
them. What we don't want to do is give kids power and
turn a small thing into a big thing. That's a losing proposition,
because your child is at developmental level where they're
testing boundaries.
It's also important
to understand that as children get older, part of their
life task is to make more and more choices and decisions
on their own. So you'll often see teens and pre-teens
demonstrating displeasure in more observable ways, and
becoming increasingly rebellious. And much of this behavior,
although it may be disturbing, is usually harmless and
victimless. By that I mean no one really gets hurt; most
often it is simply social rules and polite interactions
that are being violated.
As a parent,
you need to pick your battles with your kids. Saying that,
I believe there are some areas where you should stand
your ground. When your child is ignoring guests in your
home or refusing to comply with reasonable requests, it's
time for you to step in and remind them what your family's
rules are.
1) My Child
Refuses to Greet Other People
When kids refuse
to greet your friends or guests, that's considered rude
behavior. I personally believe there should be a routine
consequence for being rude. So after your friends have
gone, you can say, "We're nice to your guests, if
you're not nice to our guests, this is what's going to
happen." Give your child some consequence for their
rudeness. No cell phone for 24 hours is one that is often
effective, or it could be no video games, no texting¡whatever
it is that will work with your child. Make it simple and
clear. If your child tries to argue about it, say, "Don't
talk to me that way, we can talk after you calm down"
and walk away.
2) My Child
Won't Interact with Their Siblings
If your child
is refusing to interact with his or her siblings, I don't
think you can make them. One of the things you can do
is explain to younger siblings that as kids grow older,
they want to spend more time with other kids their age.
I think when you recognize the behavior and say things
like, "You're hurting your little brother by ignoring
him," what you're communicating to them is, "You're very
powerful, and you're hurting me by hurting your brother."
I don't think you should give your kids passive ways to
hurt or disturb you. Instead, explain the situation to
your other children. You can say, "You know, when your
big sister is tired or angry, she doesn't want to talk
to anyone, and that's probably a good thing. Sometimes
people just need to be quiet to get themselves together."
Teach your other kids to handle it instead of trying to
force an interaction between them.
3) My Child
Ignores My Requests to Do Chores or Homework
Kids will often
ignore your requests for them to shut off the TV, start
their chores, or do their homework as a way to avoid following
your direction. Before you know it, you've started to
sound like a broken record as you repeatedly ask them
to do their assignments, clean their room, or take out
the trash. Rather than saying, "Do your chores now," you'll
be more effective if you set a target time for when the
chores have to be completed. So instead of arguing about
starting chores, just say, "If chores aren't done by 4
p.m., here are the consequences." Then it's up to your
child to complete the chore. Put the ball back in their
court. Don't argue or fight with them, just say, "That's
the way it's going to be." It shouldn't be punitive as
much as it should be persuasive. "If your chores aren't
done by 4 p.m., then no video game time until chores are
done. And if finishing those chores runs into homework
time, that's going to be your loss." On the other hand,
when dealing with homework, keep it very simple. Have
a time when homework starts, and at that time, all electronics
go off and do not go back on until you see that their
homework is done. If your child says they have no homework,
then they should use that time to study or read. Either
way, there should be a time set aside where the electronics
are off.
4) My Child
Ignores Me by Wearing His iPod All the Time
When a kid
wears his iPod or headphones when you're trying to talk
to him, make no bones about it: he is not ignoring you,
he is disrespecting you. At that point, everything else
should stop until he takes the earplugs out of his ears.
Don¡¯t try to communicate with him when he's wearing
headphones¡even if he tells you he can hear you, wearing
them while you're talking to him is a sign of disrespect.
Parents should be very consistent about this kind of thing.
Remember, mutual respect becomes more important as children
get older.
Listen, I know
it can be very frustrating for parents to deal with kids
who are ignoring them or other family members. Certainly,
it can be very irritating and obnoxious. But here's the
bottom line: the less you take these behaviors personally,
the more effectively you'll be able to deal with the different
phases your children will go through as they mature.
About the Author:
James
Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of
The Total
Transformation Program for parents. He has worked
with troubled children and teens for three decades. James
holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.
|
|
