In the course of normal
childhood behavior, children misbehave. When they
do, some parents opt to clarify the expectation of
appropriate behavior and seek to hold the child accountable.
If the child misbehaves again, the child may receive
a consequence such as time out, loss of a privilege,
early bedtime or the like. The kid gets the point
and behavior settles down.
On the other hand, there
are other parents who ask why; "Why did you do
what you did?" These parents seek to understand
their child's motivation believing they will then
be able to discuss the child's motivation and talk
them out of engaging in the misdeed again. They look
for a common sense understanding to have a meeting
of the minds with their child. Unfortunately, most
children, even to adolescence, do not have a keen
awareness of their motivation and if they have some
awareness, it tends to be superficial. The child may
respond with, "I wanted to," or "Because,"
but more often, I don't know"
On the basis of the
superficial explanation, the parent seeks to dig deeper,
believing the child is holding back the true motivation
or is lying to cover up a more sinister truth. As
the parent digs deeper, the child feels caught, unable
to satisfy the demand for insight and disclosure.
When the intensity escalates, the child blurts out
a fragmented, incoherent string of excuses, hoping
to appease the parent. Rather than realise their child
is only responding in this manner hoping to satisfy
an untenable inquisition, the parent is apt to believe
the child is lying more wholeheartedly. Next the parent
is either concerned for understanding the child's
necessity to lie so wholeheartedly or is fuming that
lying now compounds the initial misdeed. Pity the
child caught in this conundrum. The parent seeks an
understanding to a problem of their own making while
seeking to ascribe responsibility to the child.
Parents who seek to
only understand their kids have two problems when
it comes to managing their children's behavior. The
first is they expect insight beyond their child's
ability. Children simply do not possess the cognitive
ability to fully reflect on their motivation and articulate
it to their parents. Further, they believe understanding
and discussion will nurture the development of self-control
and help internalize rules. What parents themselves
must understand is that while the child may be able
to reiterate the content of the discussion and make
promises of amends, from the child's point of view,
in the absence of a consequence deterring the misdeed,
he or she still got away with it. Hence the child
will understand the expectation, but still engage
in the misdeed because there is no real or meaningful
consequence apart from some special time with the
parents, which in and of itself may be motivational
of misbehavior in the first place.
Parents
must understand that a child's motivation can be as
simple as doing what they do, only because they can.
Nothing deeper. As Freud says, "Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar." In that way, kids are like
most grown ups; We drive fast where we think we can;
take an extra dessert when no one is looking; try
to avoid a fine when returning an overdue item; and
happily take advantage of a mis-priced item when making
a purchase. The motivation? We think we can get away
with it and so we try.
Kids operate
on the same basic level. They do what they do if they
think they can get away with it, like us.
In the
course of normal childhood behavior and misdeeds,
while there is nothing necessarily wrong with helping
a child to understand simple motivations and rules
through discussion, don't be mistaken that this alone
will deter misdeeds. Further, seeking understanding
alone may actually precipitate a cascade of more troublesome
behavior as shown above. To really manage your child's
behavior, hold your child accountable to reasonable
expectations and provide a consequence. The consequence
may be as simple as your clearly voiced disapproval,
a brief loss of privilege or time away from a preferred
activity. Think of being caught for speeding. The
officer may discuss with you the wrong of your offence,
but will surely still give you the ticket. It's a
short discussion. Lesson learned, now on your way.
About The Author:
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario,
Canada, consider him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital and family therapy,
custody and access recommendations, social work and
an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on
a Section 112 (social work) report. Call him for your
next conference and for expert opinion on family matters.
Services include counselling, mediation, assessment,
assessment critiques and workshops.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW,
RSW (905) 628-4847 gary@yoursocialworker.com
